74th Page

[ladybirdcrap]

You finally set off from the Bed & Breakfast with full tummies and high spirits. It's well into the mid afternoon, and you have a lot of ground to cover before the next landmark. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be possible for you sorry sons of bitches to make it there before sundown. On your way down the beaten path, you come across a dairy farmer's caravan of cheesy goods. They seem nice and homely enough, maybe they'll be willing to help you stragglers along the way.

[Mission: Hitch a ride from the dairy farmer]

Comments

[sawedoff]

[this is what you get for your walking time, you get ditched by the 7mph wagon.]

Yeah, in nipples cutting glass weather.

[i can see my breath, so not awesome. edges a little closer to the shortstack for body heat]

[pareidoll]

[looks him over like i have a parka where is yours and what nipples. eyebrow raise]

I'll take your word for it.

[looks up to see how much sun time they have left]

It might be more of a problem once we lose light...

[sawedoff]

[his nipples, tyvm]

[rubs a hand over his mouuthhh, he is not as much the bigger man as he would like to think he is. the i told you so is imminent.]

We have angelcab, don't worry about it.

[gracious. so gracious. nice going dean.]

[pareidoll]

[was expecting it. still expecting it. watching him expectantly]

Really.

[not in the angel cab bit but as in really you're not going to stick it to her]

[sawedoff]

Nothing wrong with wanting out of all the crap for a while.

[granted she did jump out of a moving wagon which meant he had to follow suit because like hell he's going to let her wander around where the wild things are by herself and now the angel will have to come get them like lost puppies when it gets too cold which is all a pretty inconvenient and annoying way to get some peace which ended up backfiring on her anyway because the douchebag she was trying to get away from just stuck to her like clingy boyfriend of the year]

[but you know]

[pareidoll]

[yeah. douchebag. but it's not like she'll admit it let alone make him go away. it's nice that he's there, she's just worried because their conversations have been a bit on the tenser side lately]

[lets the thought sink in]

You think you're crap.

[bold statement. we're going there. you can't run]

[sawedoff]

[just put it out there, clara, don't edge around it. actually it's kind of reminiscent of castiel looking straight through him and telling him how he felt about being saved, not asking, just straight up telling.]

[what do you even say to that. flounders with some syllables that won't ever get to be words. he wants to evade but she caught him so off guard he doesn't even have a fallback lined up]

[pareidoll]

[well if she edged, then he'd flounder away like the wriggly fish of antifeels. she's good at blunt and has seen enough of him to round out that brilliant conclusion]

[lets him flop around with noises for a minute before taking his hand and stopping them both.]

Take your time.

[sawedoff]

[looks down at their hands and to her, eyebrows twinging. he's at the act irrational and stubborn stage of avoidance.]

Take my time with what? To burst into tears? I just call it like I see it, Clara.

[apparently so do you]

[pareidoll]

[also stubborn, but not irrational]

[doesn't let go and turns to him]

Yeah, but why? You're only creating more misery for yourself.

[sawedoff]

[are you really asking someone why they have low self esteem]
[thats like asking jello why it's jello]

Don't-

[we're veering dangerously into pity territory, it's going to make him gut himself]

This is how I come, the whole screwed up package.

[motions at himself with his non hostage hand the way someone showcases something at an auction. of course he's aware of how fucked up he is, which somehow only exacerbates the thing]

[pareidoll]

[she just wants to understannddddd]

Got that, but you didn't start out that way.

[reads into him quietly for a moment before taking a breath and turning a bit of the sass up]

Dean. You're not a charity case, so stop acting like one.

[sawedoff]

[you are so patient holy shit]

[glances down again and wets bottom lip before looking at her again]

Tell me that again when I get you out of here in one piece.

[in case you mistake it for bravado, that means he doesn't think he'll be able to. he's not as inspirationally heroic as the doctor]

[pareidoll]

[raises eyebrow at him to counter his abyss of pessimism]

You'll be damn sure that I will.

[raises hand to cup the side of his face]

I don't know what hell you've been torn through, but you need to find a little faith. Just a little. Just for me. I believe in you, but I can't do it alone forever. You need to start believing you can do it otherwise you really will fail.

[sawedoff]

[this is an unusual place for dean because he's never been faced with the tenacious optimism of a doctor companion before, it's a little offputting. but she's hitting both cas and sam notes with her faith talk and that's a surefire way to get him to buckle, if not get through to him]

[nods reluctantly into her hand. he can give, but don't expect miracles]

--Okay. Yeah.

[and a little sardonic humor for the sake of deflection]

If you'll stop with the self help book talk.

[pareidoll]

[thats better]

[shoves his face slightly before bringing it back and letting it go]

Hush, you. This was supposed to be a nice moment.

[puts finger to his lips]

You need me as much as I need you right now, don't deny it. Don't think one is more or less either, because they aren't. I should get to save you too and that's what I intend on doing.

[and there's nothing you can say or do about it]

[sawedoff]

[notorious moment ruiner]

[pulls her hand away at the wrist but keeps it close, curling his fingers against her palm at the risk of more hand holding]

You know my...instinct is to run away from you as far as I possibly can. I probably would have if I could.

[honesty hour is go]

[pareidoll]

[lets him and watches him carefully. you know while they just stand there as its getting colder in the middle of a country road.]

For your sake or mine?

[who are we kidding, he probably means hers]

I don't think I've seen you try very hard to fight me regardless.

[sawedoff]

[lets go of her to rub at his forehead, she's been all eyes and watching and studying and he's been nothing but avoiding and avoiding harder]

I'm trying to say- I'm saying I'm not the guy you think I am.

[or want him to be.]

I've been down this road and god knows I've tried, I've tried and it always ends the same way no matter what I do different, so we can talk until we're blue in the face about- about believing in yourself or being the one getting saved for once, but the bottom line is the longer we go on like this, the closer you get to me, the more likely something nasty's waiting around the corner ready to screw it all right to hell.

[and you're too good for hell, he doesn't want to see you get screwed to hell]

[pareidoll]

[dont test my patience winchester]

[shes been fighting you so hard for you and you keep coming back to this]

[drops hand and slowly shakes head in disbelief]

Stop doing this. Stop trying to push me away because you're afraid. Like you've already decided the ending before it's even set course. It's not fair, and better yet it's not true.

[sawedoff]

[moves hand from rubbing the mangst away from his forehead to rest at his hip for a moment, staring at the ground like he's trying to work out exactly how to phrase]

I can't do it again.

[a little of the selfless spiel flaking away there. looks up at her]

I wanna believe this can work, I do. But I'm so many down for the count I can't even keep track of them all. And if there's anything I've learned from it, if there's just one damn thing, it's that I can't have my cake and eat it too.

[also cake is gross]

[pareidoll]

[just keeps staring at him like you've got to be shitting me]

Unbelievable..

[looks away trying to process and then looks back and shakes her head. determined]

No. It may not be fair to you, but this..this isn't fair to me. Just so you won't hurt as much when something goes wrong. What about me? What about my feelings?

[sawedoff]

[a frustrated head shake, he's getting gradually more uppity the more she pushes. ftr, this is what it looks like when he fights it, isn't it fun, aren't you glad he hasn't so far]

That's the point! You should be with someone who isn't constantly worried about you. Who doesn't treat you like glass because every day might be the day the levee breaks. Why would you want this?

[pareidoll]

...



...

[slaps him. full on. startles the countryside]

[composed but slowly losing it. shaky hand hover]

Dean Winchester, you have no idea that you are the only thing that I have left. That there is nothing but death waiting for me no matter which way I turn, so you bloody damn well be sure I'd rather die fighting for a chance at everything than giving it all up.

[sawedoff]

[DAMN BITCH YOU HAVE A MEAN SLAP]

[blinks in delayed surprise]